What is the Goal of Parenting?

On By heidibboltonIn Children's Ministry, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Parenting1 Comment

What is the goal of parenting? This topic is so tricky. And scary. And controversial perhaps. But I’ve decided that my goal of parenting is not that my kids will follow Christ.

Deep breathes, Everyone.

Why? Well, because it’s really not something I have the power to do. And my kids’ faith decisions are actually not a reflection of the quality of my parenting, or a representation of my faith.

Whew. That’s pretty hard to say.

A good goal is within my control. It’s achievable. And my kids’ faith is not within my control. That’s a hard thing to say, so let’s say it again. Your kids’ faith decisions are not something you can control. I’m tempted to wish I could. But I’m realizing that when I wish I was in control of my kids’ faith decisions, I am ultimately telling God that I don’t believe He’s pursing their hearts and I don’t trust the Spirit to work in their lives, and I think I can do it better than God. 

Oops.

I don’t know everything about parenting, but I do know a few things about God. I know God loves my children and He wants nothing more than to have my children come to Him. He is wooing them. He is pursuing them in perfect ways. He has perfect timing. He is revealing Himself to my children. He has specific plans for them, ways for them to love the people of this world.

So what are my goals of parenting? Well, I’d like to propose that parenting is an act of worship. We love unconditionally, we sacrifice unendingly, and we trust God’s guidance when we feel lost. And even when it’s hard, there is an underlying delight and joy. In all of these ways, we worship. In many ways, parenting is much more about the parent than the child. When I am emotionally and spiritual healthy, then my parenting will be emotionally and spiritually healthy.

The goal of parenting may be worshipping the One who gave us children, but we also have many responsibilities to our children. I won’t presume to have an exhuastive list, but rather a starting point. And let’s assume the basics of food, shelter, discipline and safety have already been provided. But I think we all know that our calling as parents is much greater than the basics.

First, building a lifelong relationship with my child is supremely important, because it is the foundation for any influence I may have. It is the way that our children learn to give and receive love in their futures, either with people or God. When we sacrifice relationship, we sacrifice influence.

I also have a responsiblity to pray for my children. I cannot control their faith decisions, but I can intercede on their behalf. On the Risen Motherhood podcast (ep. 113), Nancy Guthie says:

…we want to be pouring ourselves into begging God to do what only God can do, by the way, which is, take our child from spiritual death to spiritual life. Only he can do that.

Also, I want to give them the skills they need to make a decision about their faith. This includes cognitive knowledge of scripture, theology, and spiritual disciplines. I acknowledge that knowing about God may be necessary, but it is not sufficient for heart change. Something must change within their heart to bring about repentence and surrender, and that doesn’t come from knowledge. That comes from the work of the Spirit and I trust He’s doing it.

My kids need to see what it looks like to live a life of faith. I want to model a vibrant relationship with God, because they’ll see my faith closer than they’ll ever see someone model faith again. My faith has to be real and I want them to see how it changes me and leads me to love the world around me.

And lastly, I want to create space for my kids to be more likely to interact with the Spirit. That’s why we go to church and read the Bible at home. But it’s also why we travel, and get out in nature, and ask for forgiveness, and resolve conflicts, and serve those in need, and welcome others into our home, and talk about world issues. God is in all of this. So we are in all of this.

My goal is to love my kids well. It is my act of worship. The outcome or result of my parenting is out of my control. We need to stop seeing parenting as a success or failure, based on how well our children meet our expectations. Parenting is a success when we love God well and love our children well. Love God; Love people- just as Jesus asked us to.

Trust is Hard at Easter

On By heidibboltonIn Spiritual LifeLeave a comment

Easter is always a strange experience for me. I’m not sure a lot of other Christians are going to resonate with this, but Easter is the time of year when I am most clearly face-to-face with my doubts about my faith. Everybody else is singing about victory in Jesus and hanging purple banners of royalty and there is so much “He is risen indeed.” But I’m over in the corner wondering if my faith is really enough to carry me through the real experiences of life. Metaphorically, that is. Literally, I am trying to keep my sons from taking off their dress shoes and throwing them at the pastor in the middle of the Easter service.

As Christians, we believe that Jesus actually was dead and then came back to life. It’s not some weird medical condition where Jesus was in a coma or just really sick or was a good actor. Historical evidence is clear about the fact that Jesus died on the cross. 

And then three days later He was alive. 

Ummmm….. why don’t we talk about how this is absurd?

But it’s a core tenant of our Christian faith, and I’d like to suggest that it’s the absurdity that makes Jesus worthy of worship. We can’t just skip over Friday and Saturday to Sunday’s celebration. Denying the magnitude of the situation doesn’t make this story seem more normal. It just makes our faith seem small. Jesus’s resurrection is only amazing because it is so improbable. 

Everything we know says the resurrection is impossible. Faith requires that we admit that logic has failed us. If we can explain it with logic and science, then we have reason, but not faith. I appreciate apologetics so very much, and I’m grateful for those who do the hard work of supporting our faith with evidence. But logic will come to an end. We will not be able to science our way through to belief. I wish i could. I’d so much rather be told scientific explanations for God and His work, and be able to trust in logic and reason. I’d rather understand God than trust God.

But faith. 

It would appear that God makes concerted effort to make sure that explanations and logic and science and brain power will make us appreciate Him, but will never be quite enough to prove to us that He is who He says He is, and He does what He says He does. It appears that God leaves a gap. A gap that requires faith to cross. He desires that we trust, admit lack of answers, surrender, die to self, and give up control. 

We’re not going to be sure. We can’t know everything. There will be mysteries and confusion and missing pieces. We’d like to believe that we have explanations and answers and confidence; that we have the right answers. We’d prefer a good solid “right answer” instead of having to admit that we have to trust that redemption will make all things new. We are asked to believe that the story isn’t over yet, and it has a good ending.

God is a God of trust-falls. He doesn’t want us to know; He wants us to trust. It would be great if God would explain Himself to us, mark out the path, show us the science, or prove to us why we can trust Him. I’d love for God to give us this safe, and scientifically validated, staircase to climb. But no, He asks us to just jump, trusting that He will catch us.

Let’s stop and pause to respect our doubts and uncertainties and lack of knowledge. If we don’t, we refuse to give our faith the space it needs to flex its muscles. Let’s admit that the resurrection is hard to believe. Let’s ask the hard questions about evil and suffering and failures. And let’s be ok with there not always being an immediate answer. Give God our doubts and uncertainties. Let’s talk about that gap. That gap is faith. 

I don’t think we’re supposed to know all the answers. The hardest of questions don’t have quick answers. But those are the questions we need to ask and ponder. There will always be a gap in our understanding. Our world is broken, and needs restoration. There’s a gap between what is and what should be. There’s a gap between what we question and what we understand. There’s a gap between how we want the world to work, and how it actually functions. The gap is real and it’s often ugly. The gap reminds us that we need an absurd solution. We need a resurrection.

I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)

Come Along on this Journey

On By heidibboltonIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Welcome! Mostly, what I’m writing about here is my heart for relationships- both marriage and parenting, but also my relationships with God and self.  What I write about is probably half Christian marriage and parenting, and about half is emotionally healthy living. I believe that true Christian living is emotionally healthy living, so the two topics gel easily for me.

It’s taken a surprising amount of vulnerability to share my thoughts with a public audience. The thing is, I’m sure that I’m wrong about some things, inarticulate about many things, and insensitive to a few things as well. So, I’m going to ask and expect that you understand that I’m on a growth journey. I look forward to the conversations that begin on these pages. And I hope you will see my desire to not do any of this alone. I hope you sense that I want to journey with you.

Love to you all,

Heidi

We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to. — Brené Brown