When you’ve worked in Children’s Ministry for all of about 3 minutes, you start to wonder How can we encourage parents to influence their children’s spirituality? From my experience it seems pretty clear that the traditional method of giving parents some sort of written resource to use at home is not the assistance parents are craving. Whether it is a take-home review sheet, a family devotion, a magazine, a website or book, it is just not very helpful or useful.

Some families use a resource at home, but I find that they typically like to select their own resources. But that’s not really the issue. Because really we’ve inadvertently veered off course from the original question. We asked How can we encourage parents to influence their children’s spirituality? And then we start looking for fabulous book-type resources that we can recommend. We’re making an assumption that a resource can equate to influence. And that’s flawed thinking.

But here’s the deal:

Parents already are the primary spiritual influence of their children’s faith development, whether or not they accept that role.

Think about it. When you consider what your early perceptions of God are, you immediately start to think about the messages you were taught from your parents and the role they played in your life. The truth is, you start to think about what type of person your mom or dad was. Did they teach you that you had to earn approval and love through working hard or succeeding academically? Did they seem to never have time for you? Were they quick to forgive, or did they write shame messages about your identity? Did they struggle with an addiction and put you in a caretaking role? Were you victimized and left feeling unsafe? Did you feel protected and cared for? Did you learn that keeping the peace was what was needed of you? Did you feel safe and nurtured? These messages quickly turn into our views of God, and rewriting them is part of our spiritual growth.

So now, it’s our turn. We are the parents. And we can read our kids a devotional and take them to church (and that’s great), but the true impact of our parenting is going to be How Jesus has transformed our lives. Because our kids see more clearly than probably anyone what our character is, how we deal with our flaws and how we are loving the world around us. The best thing we can do for our kids is to let them see that Jesus is working in us to make us more loving, more generous, more forgiving and more patient. Our kids need to see that we are pursuing Him. That we fail sometimes, and in our failure we turn toward God, not away. Let your kids see that you are striving after Jesus and figuring out how to love people. Talk about these things “when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” (Deut 6:7-9). This is so much harder than reading a couple paragraphs to your kids. This will take courage and vulnerability and time and energy.

I’m not saying that resources aren’t a great thing. And I hope you’re reading scripture with your children. But don’t forget that your kids need to see “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” (Col. 1:27) This hope is what they crave, and seeing Christ in you, will make Jesus something they trust and crave.

The basics of parenting are somewhat easy to figure out. You should feed and clothe your kids. You should provide a home for them. You should love them. When they are infants it is so very difficult because #nosleep and #hormones, but it is mostly clear what Baby needs. It is an exhausting and difficult season. And if you’re there, let me know because I will bring you a casserole and hold Baby so you can take a shower.

But the worst part isn’t the lack of sleep or the hormones, it’s that there’s this lie gurgling in your gut. Most moms hear this lie within days of becoming a parent, if not earlier. The lie whispers “You aren’t enough.” Soon enough this lie grows louder and louder until it is deafening. Listening to it may very well be the hardest part of Motherhood. It’s easy to let the lie become overwhelming. 

The lie has many voices. I can’t do this. All the bad in me will damage my child. Not good enough, not capable enough, not patient enough, not organized enough, not skinny enough, not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not accomplished enough, not old enough, not young enough, not creative enough. Not giving enough. I AM NOT ENOUGH. 

We think we aren’t enough because our kid will only eat white foods. Or because our kid stole a toy. Because breastfeeding was difficult or impossible. We aren’t enough because we work (or because we stay home). We aren’t enough because we can’t keep the house perfectly tidy. We aren’t enough because we can’t shed the last 10/20/30/more pounds from the pregnancy. We aren’t enough because our 3 year old doesn’t like to go to church. We aren’t enough because our kid came home with a note from the teacher. Or because our kid didn’t get into the gifted program. We aren’t enough because we can’t afford ballet lessons. We aren’t enough because…

Take a deep breath, Moms. 

God gave me a little gift before I became a mother. It’s a bit unique, so I’m going to share it with you. Before I had kids of my own, I worked as a Social Worker in a group home for foster children. I saw almost every sad situation you can imagine. Sexual abuse. Parents who choose drugs over their children’s welfare. Physical Abuse. Abandonment. Neglect. Every story was sacred in its own way. Every child coped with the pain in different ways. It was hard to be close to this pain. It was hard to hear these stories. These kids deserved so much more. It was an emotionally exhausting job with little appreciation. But it was one of the greatest gifts to my parenting journey. 

You see, when I hear the lie speak to me that “I am not enough” I think back to those children. When I hear the lie in my heart, I remind myself that those kids in foster care deserved a parent like me. That’s not me bragging. It’s just acknowledging that those children deserved a basic level of imperfect love and care, and I am more than able to provide “good-enough” parenting.  I’m not perfect, and my kids might end up in therapy to process me. But I’m enough. My mothering would be enough to give each of those foster children what they needed. Each of those kids deserved a mom who was willing to make sacrifices, was able to manage her past traumas without drugs, who didn’t gain control through violence or sex. A mom who cared for their basic needs of food, shelter and snuggles. A mom who shows up. 

To be clear, I’m no better than the moms whose children are in foster care. No mother chooses to not care well for her children. It is our basic desire. These moms are victims of the lie, too. These moms could be enough. Moms who have lost their children to the foster system are in their own suffering. They need our help. Please don’t ignore them, and certainly don’t hate them.

But if I’m enough of what those foster kids needed, then I’m enough to be a mom to my own children. I don’t need to believe the lie anymore. Not serving organic carrots, or any carrots, doesn’t make me a bad mom. Not taking my baby to Storytime at the library doesn’t qualify me as a failure. Yelling at my kids might be a mistake, but it doesn’t mean I’m not enough. I rarely know what advice to give my kids. I might not volunteer at the school often and I’m on my phone too much and I run out of energy and I just can’t keep up most days. But I am enough. 

But still I hear the lie most days. Especially when one of my children has a failure, another mom criticizes me or I’m fighting with my husband. But I’ve learned to recognize the lie. I see it coming. I can hear it crouching up behind me. Most of the time I can shoot down the lie before it gets to my heart. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I live in freedom. Some days I need a friend to speak truth over me. But some days I cry because I believe I’m not enough. But you know what? Believing the lie doesn’t make it true. Even when we believe the lie, it doesn’t mean that we aren’t enough. Even that is forgiven.

We aren’t perfect mothers, and we don’t have to be. There is just so.much.grace. Layers and layers and layers of grace. It washes down on us. It washes our hearts and it washes over our families. And that grace is enough.

You’re doing great, Moms.